Worth

Sometimes the depression and anxiety is too much. Like black oil swirling down a funnel. And the thoughts.
Why didn’t I do this back then?
What if I did that instead?
How could I not have known better?
Who do I ask for help/guidance next time? (because clearly I don’t have the answers for everything that pops up).
What do I do now?
How do I move forward positively?
How do I give myself a break when there is so much frustration and regret??

The future scares me. Not a worry, but an intense fear that I have made a wrong turn in my path. That I am still making wrong turns.
Because if I wasn’t, why aren’t I embracing my life as it?
This is soooo not where I thought I would be at this time.
No mate. No kids. No abode of my own. No life-long career anymore.
Little financial security. Mental pain and anguish. Body breaking down one organ after another.
Take care of one health issue, just to be met with another debilitating issue that needs to be taken care of. More chronic, progressive conditions.
I am tooo young for this!!!
I was always such a healthy person!!
Exercize has always been a huge part of my childhood and adult life. I have been a “health nut” since I began learning about food and health supplements as a child.
By all accounts I should still be out there, energetic, fit, skin clear, feeling positive.
Instead, my stomach churns with pain and nausea most of the time.
My eyes burn with rash, swell and deflate continually.
My bones cry out when I exercize for more than a short distance. The pain in my foot, knees, hips, back will only allow me to go so far.
I need a lot of rest to function, but I am up and down all night. In and out of sleep.
And then it’s 4:29 am and social media becomes a good distraction for a while. Back to sleep again.
When it is time to wake, I don’t want to.
I would rather succomb to the cool, relaxed state, the action of my dreams. They have taken me far, far away. To a place where I can undo pain. To reuniting with people I miss and I have met along the way. Events with better outcomes.
My bed is now my favorite place.
Cool, plush, clean with pillows and a cozy down comforter to cuddle with. I am so grateful for this quiet, cozy spot in the universe. An oscillating fan blows cool air, emitting a constant calm, white noise.
I sink into the bed and go back to sleep over and over, for as long as I can.
My kitties are there with me.
Beautiful, soft loving balls of fur that cuddle into the nook if my arm. I open my eyes and my sweet, beautiful, long-haired rescued girl looks at me, yawns, and then stretches out – so completely content. She looks at me with love, makes a little meow and then curls her head into my arm even more.
My boy jumps onto the bed and greets me, walking back and forth, so grateful to receive pets and strokes on his back. He is happy I’m awake and gives my hand lots of head bumps.
My girl was abandoned and abused. Bad gums and teeth. A heart condition, having already thrown a blood clot. Callouses that grow out from her paws.
And worthy of help, compassion and love. She is precious just for being born. A precious light with feelings and determined actions. She doesn’t ask for much. Just a little food with her medicine, a clean box to go potty in and a quiet place to lay.
Her green eyes shine brightly. Her white hair with orange and gray patches is soft like cotton.

My boy is a natural lover. When born, he looked like a little tiger, stripes prominent as he lay curled up with tiny little soft paws by his face. Sweet, affectionate and loyal from the beginning. His mother was precious, found wandering the streets ready to pop with the three kittens and starving.

She came across my path and hungrily ate plate after plate of dry food. She came back over and over, jumping the very tall fence at night in my backyard, begging for affection at the back porch. A friend took her in and she gave birth to three healthy kittens. (I couldn’t take her in at the time. My friend gratefully took her in).
She grew to be a beautiful, healthy kitty, with long, soft black hair and bright eyes that twinkled. She was like a little sprite, a playful and affectionate fairy-like cat that jumped around and greeted people at the door.
When cancer came, she resisted all she could.
And when it was time, she succombed with grace.
How could a sweet, beautiful, healthy being just be struck with an unrelenting, cruel disease?
The tumor grew, overtaking her in 9 months.
No amount of surgery or treatments would save her.
My only saving thought was that out of this, I would help another kitty. Save them from a bad situation. Help them to flourish.
Do all I can to give them a life of comfort and happiness, contentment and joy.

These kitties, treasured beings do not seem to ask, “why am I here?” “How do I make my life purposeful?” They are WORTHY and precious, just because they are born.
Worthy of love. Of affection. Of care. Of comfort and satisfaction.

So how do I realize and embrace joy? Satisfaction?
I can create a place of comfort, even with limited resources.
In the woods, one can build a fire and warm their hands. Build shelter. Find food for sustenance.
Survive.

But how to thrive and enjoy being alive when doing so??